You’re just a conformist, if you’re drunk and naked and driving around on a loud motorcycle smoking cigarettes and breaking commandments
And getting pregnant out of wedlock
Everyone’s done that, that’s so tired
If you really want to be a rebel, read your Bible, because no one is doing that
That’s the only rebellion left
- Mark Driscoll
I look in the mirror & experience about 6 different emotions every day.
I’m constantly talking myself down from ledges & I always keep one leg in the getaway car.
Feelings for people are terrifying and I over-think and over-analyze them so much that I burn myself out sometimes and I would rather feel nothing.
God. He’s important to me, but I forget that every twenty minutes. Sometimes I pray and sometimes I lie about praying, but it’s not until I get on my knees and rip my heart out with honest statements that I feel cleansed or renewed; relieved.
Then my brain wants to know if that’s really divine power or just chemicals moving around and am I really living in companionship with God or have I ruined my chances by doing what I want?
And sometimes I think “Heaven would be cool” but who can appreciate eternity when my homework is too time consuming and I’ll never be a “hot girl” or super interesting and you know what if he never really loves me?
Jesus says to go to the broken part of my life and that’s where He’ll be waiting, but I don’t have time to be fixed and make sacrifices. Can’t you just give me a good Instagram picture so everyone will know my life is good?
Then sometimes I wake up and I’m the last one my mind because people need me and who the fuck cares about thin hair or small eyes when there are people who need to be loved and cared for and I’m equipped to do that for them?
And I go to work and I see tiny faces that have a chance to be loved in such a way that maybe they will be the ones who want to change the world around them. I can them them that love and how to write their names and care about each other. Most of all I want to hold them near me and protect them from anyone who doesn’t love them or who will try to make them think they have to settle for anything less than extraordinary.
Then I remember that these are God’s affections for me. This is the love that fills my bones for the people in my life & it comes straight. from. God. It’s not until I let my thoughts get here that I feel life in my lungs and I am happy to be alive.
I don’t know why it takes so long to realize some days, or why I let myself be embarrassed of knowing that this is the truth, but this thought process reminded me that the direct link from unhappiness to happiness is God. Any denial of that breeds nothing by dissatisfaction and unrest.
& that ^^^ was the past twenty minutes in my brain.